A strong woman

An amazing woman that I met through tragedy years ago reminded me that I once sent her this poem that I found.

A strong woman
is one who feels deeply
and loves fiercely.
Her tears flow
just as abundantly
as her laughter.

A strong woman
is both soft and powerful
she is both
practical and spiritual.

A strong woman
in her essence
is a gift to all the world.

You are a woman who shows
what it takes to be one.

i love you.

your big sister emma

Dearest Princess Sophia:

Today was a good day except when mommie asked me to look at a casket online. It was so hard to think of losing you even though grammie is trying very hard not to be selfish. I want you here with us to be our daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, little sister, cousin, niece and grand-niece. But not if it means you will be sick and in pain. My faith that all things that happen are as they should be is the thing that keeps me from driving off a cliff. LOL I never imagined our family might have two angel babies. It's hard not to think of what SHOULD be, if we actually had a say so in the matter. Your mommie is so brave to bring you into the world for us to shower with love for as long as we are blessed to have you. We'll take whatever time we get with you, whether hours, days, weeks, months, or years and be thankful for each tick of the clock. Late at night, when I take a deep breath, I can almost smell your breath and your hair and your skin. I count the days until we can celebrate your 'birth' day with a mix of anticipation and dread. I'm not sure which emotion wins out. It depends on the day. You, my sweet baby girl, will be welcomed with open arms.

my precious Sophia

Well, I don't really know where to start so I will keep it short for now. This has been such a difficult time for my family and I, and just want to say that I truly admire the strength that my sister has through this difficult time in her life. I keep trying to prepare myself for Sophia's arrival, trying to figure out how to best support my sister, and trying to think of things that I would love to do with my niece Sophia while she is here, like paint her toes, and comb her hair, and bring her a true "birth" day cake, in case it is the only one we get to spend with her while she is here. Every time I tell someone about Sophia's diagnosis it is the same response almost without fail, "Doctors can be wrong" or "Pray for a miracle, they can happen". Well trust me, I know Doctors are sometimes wrong, and I pray daily for a miracle. But for my family and I it is difficult to depend on miracles that we know may never come. So I say my prayer for a healthy Sophia every morning and then spend the rest of my day trying to figure out how we will ever be able to wade through these waters again, this type of tragedy just shouldn't hit the same mother twice. I don't want anyone to think that we have given up hope for a healthy Sophia or that we don't believe in miracles...we do! It is just that sometimes the only way to get through the day is to accept and prepare for a history that will most likely repeat itself regardless of how much we hope and pray against it. Ever since Jo-Jo passed away at 9 days old, I have always wondered if it would have been easier if we had known he was affected and that he would not survive. But I never...ever thought that I would get the answer to that question, unfortunately I have. I realize now that there is no easy way to get through this regardless of whether or not you know the childs health before they are born, a loss is a loss period. Sophia will be here before we know it, and for me, I will take it one day at a time loving her more tomorrow than I did yesterday and thanking the Lord for every second that we are blessed to have her here in our arms. Well so much for this being short....guess I did know where to start. Thanks for reading and I am hoping that this will give you all some insight into our lives and maybe even answer some questions that you didn't know how to ask.

Where has time gone???

As I sit here and look at the calendar, I can't believe that there are only 7 1/2 weeks left until Sophia will enter our lives. Joe and I never thought that we would be going through this again, let alone putting our family through this again. A lot of people don't understand why we would and we understand that this decision is not the right one for everyone. We question our decision daily and we will probably never truly know if we made the right decision. When we found out we were pregnant, I knew that instant that this little baby growing inside of me was going to be affected the same way that JoJo was. We had already decided that if the baby was affected that we would terminate the pregnancy because we couldn't stand the thought of losing another baby.

How will it affect our living children? How will it affect our family and friends? How will it affect our relationship?

We thought that we would find out if the baby was affected around 12 or 13 weeks just like we did with Emma. Leslie, our genetic counselor, asked if we thought one way or another before the results came back. This pregnancy was so much different than JoJo and Emma. I told her that it was either going to be an affected girl or a healthy boy, but my gut was telling me that this child was affected. Due to complications we didn't find out the results until 18 1/2 weeks pregnancy. By then she was already squirming and kicking about. Do we go in for a termination or do we bring this precious baby into this world and show her how much she is loved?

We obviously chose to bring her into this world and shower her with love and affection. We don't know if she will be here for a couple of days, weeks, months, or years. The doctors can't tell us definitely one way or another. They say that the severity runs similiar in families, but no one knows for sure. We just hope that in the end we have made the right decision for us and for our family.